There are as many parenting styles as there are parents, but here are three schools of thought to consider as you think about developing your own style.
Preparing for Parenthood
When I was getting ready to welcome my first child, I did so much research. I read all sorts of books about pregnancy and parenting, and I read blog after blog for every question that came up. One thing the experts encouraged was to plan your parenting style and talk with your spouse about it. So down the research rabbit hole I went!
It turns out there is one parenting style. Well, there are four, but they are (1)Tyrannical, (2)Normal, (3)Lazy, and (4)Abusive Neglect. So guess which you should choose?
Surely I’m missing something, I thought, as I scoured the internet. Surely there are reasonable differences in parenting styles. But nothing came up. How am I supposed to develop my own parenting style with nothing to go on other than “Try to be reasonable”?
My Solution: Areas of Focus Parenting Styles
Growing up my family was pretty insular, and all my cousins were older than me, so I didn’t see a lot of parenting styles in other families firsthand. But after my kids were born and I started seeing how other moms act with kids, I noticed something. Some ways people talked to kids just grated on me. I couldn’t figure out why; nothing they were doing seemed objectionable.
Oh! I realized. They have a different parenting style! This is what I had been looking for! After some contemplation, I realized that moms tend to prioritize one of three areas of focus, and that gives them parenting styles that can be grouped into three general categories.
All parenting involves all three areas, but one mom might lean more heavily in one direction than another.
And here’s the best part: all are valid. These are all reasonable ways to raise your children. You can choose your approach based on what’s important to you.
Again, every parent has his or her own completely unique style, but in broad strokes, the three styles are Knowledge-focused, Feelings-focused, and Independence-focused.
Knowledge-Focused Parenting Style
Knowledge-focused parents want to equip kids with the knowledge to succeed. They love teaching kids about the things they see in life, and they can turn any moment into a teaching moment. A Knowledge-focused parenting style tends to be heavy on explanations.
For example, a mom with a knowledge-focused parenting style might take her daughter on an outing to the pool. She will closely accompany her daughter, inviting her to look at different things. She might make comments like, “Look at how the water splashes here!” or “Can you count the steps? One, two, three, four, five!” or “You see how the birds are playing in the water? When they get wet, the water evaporates from their feathers, and that cools them down.”
Our hypothetical mom might also take a minute to tell her daughter to share a toy, “If you give him your fishie, then you can play with his boat! It’s fun to share!” There will be a lot of talking and pointing, probably some acting out or demonstrating.
Discipline
Discipline in a knowledge-focused parenting style also involves lots of verbal explanation. “We do not hit. You see how he is crying? You hurt him. When we hit, it hurts people. We should be kind instead. Why don’t you go say sorry and ask nicely to share the toy?”
Pros and Cons
Knowledge-focused parenting is good for kids with good verbal abilities who are curious and attentive. It gives kids a chance to learn things quickly in a variety of scenarios, and sets them up for other learning structures in school and beyond.
It can be difficult, however, for kids who don’t listen as well. Knowledge-focused moms can also tend to be more overbearing or controlling, wanting to have a say in every part of the kid’s day and turn every moment into a learning one, even if the child isn’t interested (for example, if the kid wants silly play time instead).
There might be an outsized emphasis on academic knowledge and a pressure for kids to be correct and perform well. I also suspect that this could lead to self-focus in children, as every situation is treated as if it is tailor-made for their own edification, and it demands a lot of one-on-one attention from mom or dad.
Feelings-Focused Parenting Style
Feelings-focused parents also talk a lot to their kids, but they point out different things. This parenting style emphasizes how the child feels about things, as well as how they are affecting those around them. Feelings-focused parenting emphasizes relationships and introspection.
A feelings-focused mom might take her son to the pool and say things like, “What do you think of the splashes? Are they a little bit scary? It’s okay if you are scared. It’s brave to do things even when they are scary. Or we can stay over here where it’s calm.” or “It makes me nervous when you go far away and I can’t see you.” or perhaps “You see how happy those kids are when they go down the slide? Do you want to try that, too?” or “I’m proud of you for testing your limits and trying new things!”
When the feelings-focused mom talks to her son, she speaks about how he’s responding to the world around him, and how others are responding, too. She makes sure he knows how his behavior affects others as well.
Discipline
For this parenting style, discipline also involves some discussion. “When you are angry, you may not hit. Look how sad you made him. Hitting is not kind. How can we show we are angry?” One key factor is that the parent should model self control and empathy (as he or she should in any parenting style).
Pros and Cons
A focus on feelings can be very helpful for a child because it equips him to understand his relationship with the world and helps him understand relationships from an early age. It can help a child be sensitive and attuned to the needs of others.
I think, however, that there is a tendency for this parenting style to have difficulty with discipline, as empathy is prized. A more stubborn or silly child might not respond well to verbal reasoning and, frankly, might not be bothered that he hurt someone else’s feelings. I could see it moving too far into gentle parenting and resisting punishment at all, instead holding a child’s preferences and emotions above all. At that point, the boundaries are only suggestions.
Independence-Focused Parenting Style
This is my preference among the parenting styles, and I can’t help but think that the more kids you have, the more you end up in this camp, purely out of necessity.
Independence-focused parents tend to let kids take the lead as long as they are operating within certain boundaries of safety and morals. This might be watching kids play at a slight distance until needed, or it might be following right along with kids, but asking a lot of questions and letting the child take the lead and think things through. It operates on the idea that kids learn best through unstructured play, and that the strongest lessons are the ones kids learn themselves.
At the hypothetical pool, an independence-focused dad might follow his daughter closely and ask questions, like “What does that bucket do?” or “Where are we going now?” or “Those are cool diving rings. What do you do with them?” He might also take more of a listening role and respond to her chatter instead. For an older child who doesn’t need as close an eye at the pool, he might watch from the pool’s edge until she calls him or seems to be getting into a situation where she might want support, like if she’s circling the slide as if she’s trying to decide whether to try it, or if she gets splashed unexpectedly and wants a hug.
Discipline
Discipline for independence-focused parenting is short and to-the-point. “Go to time-out for hitting your sister.” “We don’t scream in the house.” Again, it is key that the parent model self-control. The parent will also adjust how much input or explanation he gives based on the situation.
Pros and Cons
This is a practical style for those with lots of kids. Each kid gets attention as he needs it, but not all the time. It gives kids a chance to ask for how much input or support they want in any given situation, allowing them to figure some things out for themselves. That builds independence and gives them a sense of achievement. It also gives kids more room for creative problem solving.
This is a very adaptable format that depends on the relationship between parent and child. You must read him even from a distance to pick up on his preferences and when he wants help. I feel that it bolsters the personhood of the child. He is his own person with his own ideas, and he has the right to find his own way in the world at least to some extent. I find it also builds the bonds between siblings as they play and work together without parental input.
The downside of this is that a parent might end up mainly stepping in to discipline. A mom won’t feel great if her only interactions with her kids are negative! She might also feel a little distant as it becomes clear that her little one can do lots of things without her–and he might even prefer it! In addition, it might take kids longer to learn abstract lessons like empathy if it’s not clearly spelled out for them.
Trendy Parenting Tips
Don’t even get me started. There are so many things I read on Pinterest and blogs that make no sense. Some gentle parenting things are really off the deep end, forbidding even any sort of criticism of your child’s actions. There’s a lot out there saying you shouldn’t praise your children (how sad!) because if you resist you can somehow force them to develop internal motivation to do the right thing?
And alongside all this advice is the insinuation that if you do something different, or if your child doesn’t respond well to a soft-talking, no-punishment approach, you are a bad parent.
So please take everything you read with a grain of salt.
Was This Helpful?
I hope this gave you a framework for thinking about your own approach to parenting, as well as an understanding for how others’ may differ.
What do you think? Am I missing a parenting styles category? Are there other parenting tendencies you have noticed? What Area of Focus are you? Let me know in the comments!
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